So, I'm sitting here browsing the net and find that our friend, Abu Aardvark, has got his blog a neat little theme song: "The Intermission Song" by the Aaaaardvarks. It's neat. Sort of reminds me of"Plant a Radish" from The Fantasticks. So, why doesn't Cliopatria have a nice theme song? I'll TELL you why! I did what any simpleton would do and googled things like"music,""history,""lyrics,"" cliopatria," and"Cleopatra" and got the usual list of suspects.
Well, I've got as much business at the keyboard of a computer as my wife had at the wheel of a car when we first got married. I kid you not. She came home from the gas station one day and I asked her if she'd had the oil checked."Yes," she said. The attendant (that gives you some idea that we've been married a long time) told her it was a quart low. Asks I,"did you tell him to put in a quart of oil?""No," says she."I thought that you let it go down to empty, just like you do gasoline." Another example, since Grant Jones berates Cliopatriarchs for not offering evidence: I get home from a convention, only to find that the gas tank cap is missing from the side of our old Plymouth station wagon."Where's the cap to the gas tank?" I ask her."Oh," saith she,"I was wondering what that hole in the side of the car was." ! - ! - ! - ! - ! Now, if you repeat those stories back to her, I'm entitled to come after you for your life or your money.
Now, where was I? Oh, my incompetence at the computer. Anyway, I click on one likely looking offering (we're looking for a theme song for Cliopatria, you'll recall). Well, it just committed me to internet hell for at least the next two or three hours. First, I was delivered unto"pop-up" torment. My screen filled with flashing promos for things I didn't want and didn't even know existed. Then, surprisingly enough, it filled with warnings about vulnerability to"pop-ups" and"relatively inexpensive" inhibitors to"pop-ups." Then, I found that my computer somehow didn't give me access to comments at any number of websites (which isn't a bad idea, now that I think about it). Beyond that, I was saddled with a new and unwanted toolbar across the top of my screen. But, the final indignity was that my homepage was displaced by some alien thing that I had never intended as mine. It's rather like coming down your street and finding that some CVS drugstore has been built on the lot where your house used to stand. And, nobody had even bothered to tell you!
Anyway, I had to go into"Command" on my computer. Now, I've got as much business going into"Command" on my computer as my wife had getting behind the wheel of a car when we first got married. Or, did I say that already? Anyway, some technology removed or quarantined some 31 unwanted files before I got out of there. CVS is still standing where I claim my house is supposed to be. We'll eventually find a way to restore my homepage, but you'd think that they'd at least have the decency to put a quart of oil in the gas tank while they're sitting there.
Oh, and by the way, Cliopatria still doesn't have a decent theme song. But I'm gonna leave that up to my more talented colleagues from now on. In the meantime, if you're interested in an excellent essay on America's secular tradition, try Scott McLemee's"Pleading the First" for Newsday.