Giles Slade: Oh Boy, Russian Spies!

[In 1994, Giles Slade completed a vicious and protracted doctorate in cultural history, and now describes himself a ‘recovering academic writer.’]

It's a little known fact, but the Cold War actually began in my hometown of Ottawa in 1945 when Igor Gouzenko, a radio cipher clerk at the Russian Embassy, attempted to defect to the RCMP carrying a briefcase full of pay documents indicating there was a vast network of Russian agents throughout North America. It was 1945.

Gouzenko loved Canada, and Russia was a genuinely miserable place in 1945. Gouzenko's misses wasn't having any. She liked the department stores of Ottawa, warm winter coats, the revolutionary idea of central heating and grocery stores that had fresh produce and plenty of food all year round. There were no Germans with tanks or guns in Ottawa throughout the whole war. That was an immense selling point for Svetlana Gouzenko who planned to have a very big family.

An angry Russian woman is a force of nature. Gouzenko filled his briefcase with documents and went to the RCMP. But no one had ever defected before, so they nearly blew it -- as they so often do... and as they did last weekend, in fact, by provoking a riot and then arresting about 600 protesters in downtown Toronto.

In 1945, the mounties refused to look at his documents and actually told Gouzenko to return to his embassy. It's hard to understand, since they're all high school graduates. Nonetheless, Gouzenko dug in his heels knowing that he had passed the point of no return. It's was the bad old days when the NKGB (as it was known in those days) often killed people in ways that might provoke the appreciation of a Mexican drug cartel. Well, eventually, Igor and Svetalana spoke to Canada's justice minister Louis St. Laurent, the man who would become Prime Minister in 1948.

St. Laurent phoned the FBI and MI5 and -- hey presto! -- the cold war was on. This is the first time that the technique of placing 'sleeper agents' inside a rival power came to light. The Gouzenko affair means sleeper agents to people who write the history of the black world of intelligence. (Incidentally, if you want a really good read try John L. Gaddis The Cold War: A New History available here: http://www.amazon.com/Cold-War-New-History/dp/1594200629

Personally, I grew up loving the memory of Igor G. He appeared on CBC regularly during my youth wearing a pillowcase over his head. My dad was a career soldier and never missed the chance to point out the Gouzenko's apartment a few blocks away from us on Somerset St. For this reason, I grew up believing that Democracy was better than Communism because we had central heating, warm coats and fresh vegetables. I also grew up watching Natasha and Boris Badenov on the Rocky and Bullwinkle show while looking for spies every day on my way to and from school.

Yesterday, sentimentally, on the 28th anniversary of Gouzenko's death, the FBI rounded up a dozen or so Russian sleeper agents. No kidding, the Russkies still have them! One man, the paymaster -- a Canadian citizen, no less -- actually lammed it out and got as far as Cyprus before they got him. When I read the news, I felt the same way I felt when I opened the door of a broken-down outbuilding on a farm one summer and found a vintage Studebaker. Wow!

It's hard to know what the Russians were thinking, but I'll bet Obama had a good chuckle last week after he took Medvedev to a diner for hamburgers and fries. The cold war is dead, both leaders told the press. Well, yes. But y'know, spying is a craft, a skill. There are generations of abilities that are too valuable to loose and the KGB got pretty good at it there during the Cold War. So now they're undoubtedly practicing some 'if you don't use it, you lose it' precautions.

What better place to learn spying than in the good old USA. We've all learned that when you rely too much on electronic intelligence bad things can happen. Whole countries can become convinced that Iraq has 'weapons of mass destruction' and wars get waged over misunderstandings like that. It's far better to have human spies permanently in place so that someone can go take a look; talk to carefully selected strangers in a bar; find the person who mans the photocopy machine and pay him for the contents of the daily recycling barrel; bug somebody's pillow when they're trying to impress a hot date who asks careful questions; take embarrassing pictures that someone's jealous wife may never get to see. You know, the good stuff.

Meanwhile, the overall message is very positive. America has many more enemies than al Qaeda, and, at this point, al Quaeda is looking very 'last year.' If Russia is spying on us in order to catch up with us again, things must be better than we all thought. We can start to relax a bit. The good old days are just around the corner.

What a great way to celebrate Gouzenko's anniversary! The Sovs -- oops, Russkies -- are even denying it, and you can read a great piece about that in today's Guardian here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/jun/29/fbi-russian-spy-claims-contradictory

Spaziba, tovarich!