Jim Castagnera: About those Reports of Cannibalism

An outfit calling itself the Mayi-Mayi are the culprits. Besides chowing down on people, these dudes wear masks and talismans and claim that when they shout “mayi-mayi” (“water-water”) bullets turn into liquid spray.

Cannibalism in the Congo is nothing new. During the 1890s, according to British Historian Thomas Pakenham, an upstart named Gongo (rhymes with “Congo”) “had carved an empire on the marshy banks of the Lomami, based at Ngandu, a stockaded town of between 10,000 and 15,000 people, defended by six loop-hole gateways.

“Like most of their neighbors, these Batetela were inveterate cannibals. According to the count of … Captain Hinde, at least 2000 polished skulls formed a solid white pavement in front of each loop-hole gateway. Human skulls crowned every post in the stockade.”

Pakenham adds that during times of siege, “Troublemakers were distributed as rations.”

Congolese aren’t mankind’s only cannibals. Evidence of people-chomping has been found all over the world. Some tribes in New Guinea have been gobbling their neighbors so long that they’ve evolved special DNA that protects them from the prions, located in human brains, that cause the homo sapiens version of Mad Cow Disease.

Unless, dear reader, you are Hannibal Lecter, you are wondering --- as am I --- “Why?”

According to one purported expert, medicine and magic go hand-in-hand in the cannibal’s cosmology. For instance, “muti murders, in which people are killed and their lips, tongues and other body parts are harvested for traditional medicine (muti) still go on in South Africa. Last year (2002) a man was arrested there for trying to sell a head for $1,000.” As Austin Powers might observe, he’ll never be the head of a major corporation.

Sometimes people eat one another out of dire necessity. The Donner Party, American pioneers caught in unseasonably early snows on their trek to California in 1846, could better be dubbed “the Dinner Party.” Equally notorious in the lore of the Wild West is Alferd (yeh, that’s how he spelled it) Packer. Packer led a party of hunters into Denver’s Rocky Mountains, where they became snowbound. Only a well-fed Alferd emerged in the spring of 1874. If you suspect I’m making this up, check out http://www.museumtrail.org/AlferdPacker.asp. Feel free to order the Alferd Packer action figure while you’re surfing around the site.

My friends and neighbors in Republican Haverford Township may enjoy knowing that, when the judge sentenced Alferd for his crimes, he supposedly remarked from the bench, “Alferd, it ain’t bad enough that you ‘et those guys. But did you have to ‘et the only Demeecrats in the county?”

Any readers disturbed by this report might take some comfort from the fact that --- unlike phone sex --- cannibalism is not an exclusively human vice. My research reveals that many species of birds, some flies, certain bacteria, and even our closest cousins, the chimps, have been caught consuming their own kind. The critter with the nastiest habit, if you ask me, is the female Praying Mantiss. This chick, after her mate does his duty, nips off his head and dines on the rest of him. (Some male divorcees reading this may be able to relate.)

In short, the Mayi-Mayi --- who seem to prefer Pygmies, by the bye --- are practicing a time-honored tradition. Okay, I admit it’s not like being invited to join one of the super-secret eating clubs at Princeton University (at least I don’t think it is). But, all the same, what may repel us as an especially nasty habit --- even in our world of Cheese Wiz and the recently-invented French Fry Hoagie --- is every bit (bite?) as human as nibbling your mate’s earlobe. (Ouch!)